RFK Jr. Gives Autistic Americans The Hump

The FDA gave concerned autistic citizens in the US the hump this week after news emerged that it had removed a page from its website warning against drinking raw camel milk, alongside other scientifically disproven and dangerous cures for autism. A Health And Human Services spokesperson offered clarification that the deletion was part of a routine content cleanup, and that the department doesn’t recommend for anybody to ingest chlorine dioxide or other toxic chemicals. Notably there hasn’t been word on whether this guidance also applies to the US Health Secretary snorting lines of cocaine from public toilet seats.

This bactrian was especially concerned to learn that the FDA have removed guidance from their website, warning against autistic people drinking raw camel milk.

Some in the United States may be surprised to learn that autistic people still exist, following RFK Jr’s confident announcement last year, that by September 2025 he will have discovered the causes of the “autism epidemic” & will be able to “eliminate those exposures”. It turns out that Tylenol was to blame all along! Arguably however, the lives of people on the spectrum could have been better improved, had RFK Jr channeled his efforts into eliminating any exposure from those with autism, to RFK Jr and the FDA.

Not that a mere autist like myself has the capacity to speak up about such matters. In that same press conference, the USA’s prodigious Health Secretary asserted that people with ASD will never pay taxes, hold a job or write poetry, and that many of us will never use the toilet unassisted.  While there are undoubtedly autistic people with greater support needs than my own, my response to these claims as a taxpaying writer, who takes a shit by himself everyday is this: “Roses are red, violets are blue, RFK Jr is a croaky, senile embarrassment to his country and his family name” (for the benefit of our friends in the US, this joke relies on a linguistic technique that we Brits refer to as irony - I know right, who would have thought me capable of such a thing?!).

Though many autistic people may welcome the US government's additional funding towards research into the condition; is it too much to ask that this isn't delivered without such infantilising pretext, from a Health Secretary whose own romantic creative writing endeavours include the line “Yr open mouth awaiting my harvest”?